I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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