Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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