turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
