Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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