Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
