Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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