so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Send help, water and tortillas.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
