She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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