I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
