My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You need Xanax blowdarts
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize