textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
