if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
