i don't plan on having that self control this summer
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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