I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
