So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize