What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Randomize
