I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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