Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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