apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
