Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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