he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
