I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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