a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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