OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
