I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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