am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
