i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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