She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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