Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
