drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize