what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Randomize
