An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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