direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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