why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
