You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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