I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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