please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
