I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
