You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
