When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I forget how to act sober
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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