i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
