going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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