I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
