Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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