I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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