I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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