I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
