yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
