We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize