I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
