apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
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