You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
