What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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