Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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