his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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