I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
