non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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