At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize