So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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